How I Met Your Mutha

Series Finale

Okay, I love How I Met Your Mother. It calls to me. I took a dozen of quizzes and got the mother (which is awesome because that means I’m worth waiting for according to the description, obvi). It’s something that I grew up watching. It was my hope through break ups, it was something I bonded with my sister over, and it was something that had Neil Patrick Harris in it. It may not be the artsy show or push the envelope, but relates everything about growing up through the good and the bad. It’s a show that has someone for everyone— the long term couple, the hopeless romantic, the one afraid of love, and the one who could give less of a shit about love and feelings.

Here are some lessons I learned from How I Met Your Mother. (Warning: May Contain Spoilers)

  1. Love is nonsensical. When Robin has cold feet on the day of her wedding, she tells Ted exactly what he wanted to hear. “I should  be with you.” We’ve all had moments where we wait for a realization to come to fruition, but it never feels like the way it should. It’s like we realize, no one is worth waiting for if they don’t realize we’re worth it either. Ted tells Robin that love is nonsensical. You just feel the way you feel about someone and sometimes it just works. There’s no logic going into it or out of it. Love is nonsensical.
  2. The right one is worth it. Lily and Marshall have been together for years and years, a love most of us hope to find one day. A frequent theme in modern dating is putting off relationship statuses and labels because of fear of getting too serious. In reality, when you want someone you’ll be with them. It doesn’t matter how hard you work or how much you have going on, you’ll be with someone and make time if your heart desires it. Marshall and Lily made it work, Beyonce and Jay-Z made it work despite busy schedules, you just got to be able to look at that person like Marshall looks at Lily and know it’s worth it.
  3. People change. Barney wasn’t the relationship type, and now look. He’s getting married. While overarching themes of who we are as people never change, most of the time our values do too. If someone doesn’t want a relationship with you, they might meet someone they do want a relationship with like Barney and Robin. It doesn’t mean Ted was a bad person, it just means Ted is meant for someone else.
  4. Nothing good happens after 2 AM… Nothing good happens after 2 AM. Go home.
  5. Never judge your friends. Sure, they might be disgusted with Barney or roll their eyes at Ted or not understand Lily and Marshall’s love, but they are always there for each other. They never talk shit and they never judge.
  6. Some traditions are worth keeping. Couple-y stuff might seem stupid, but it’s nice when you’re include. Marshall and Lily start to question the traditions, but traditions are also what helps keep the love alive.
  7. Love the little moments. It’s the little moments that lead to the bigger picture. When someone remembers an insignificant detail, it can remind you how significant you are to some people.
  8. Sometimes you have to do your own thing. Lily wanted to move to Italy to follow her dreams and she knew she would be away from her friends who are family, but your friends will understand that you have to do your own thing.
  9. There’s only one vow. To be honest. Promises can be broken and things never go as planned, but as long as you’re honest with everything and live with a loving heart life will take you where it needs to be.

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Psycho/Logical

Internet Dating

I read a stat somewhere there stated more people that are going on dates have met online than in real life. Which doesn’t surprises me. Every social networking site is a form of a dating site even if it isn’t matchokminglesinglecupid.com (I just jammed them all together). My first boyfriend back in the day was met over Facebook. We posted on each other’s walls and sent over a 1000 (holy fuck) messages to each other due to lack of textual support (he didn’t have texting). Our romance budded and died over the interne for all of our friends to see. It was like a teen drama except we had bad hair and wore American Eagle.

Humans already make judgements on people naturally so we can process the world better. Does the internet just make that process faster? Studies show that profiles reflect personalities (not self idealization, also I disagree). While we’re not suppose to judge a book by it’s cover, we can certainly read the synopsis on spark notes. Even though I like to fuck around with people and lack the appropriate interweb manners. I guess that’s my personality. I’m just an internet fuck around.

As one friend phrased it, internet dating sites give you an opportunity to meet people you would have never had the chance. Everyone believes in fate and shit, why can’t stumbling across the right person online be fate? That out of the millions who have profiles and catfish people you’re matched up with the one person you were meant to be with who had the up to date photos on themselves.

And of course, I have a friend who thinks internet dating is the FUCKING DEVIL (screamo voice). That it’s killing relationships and all human interactions. That we’re all going to be socially retarded (retarded as in mentally challenged which is still the accepted term in psychology) and not know how to talk to people. Which in a way has already happened. People rarely talk on the phone, they don’t ring the doorbell, and I hyperventilate when my phone dies before I meet up with my friends. Those are just the terms and conditions we didn’t read over when we signed the contract to our phones. We gave up some humanity to be really fucking cool cyborgs with phones attached to our hands and if you’re really fucking metal you use… blue tooth headsets.

Another can of worms is what to do if you’re dating someone and you both use social networking. People get explosive like the darkest hour after a Taco Bell meal if you tweet or use Facebook but don’t text them back. If you’re seriously that concerned with people messaging you back you might need a hobby. Unless it’s dire information like you’re in a zombie apocalypse. Then you fucking answer.

I put on my read receipts because it weeds out the crazies to the decent people of the world. Sometimes shit happens or I take a nap and just can’t talk to you right away. Don’t hit the punching bag of replies because sometimes the punching bag can swing back and hit you in the face. Liking someone of the opposite sex’s photo and your partner gets jealous? Understandable. Yes, I know we’re all humans and it’s only natural to be attracted to people but don’t give your partner tangible proof of that. There’s a difference or fine line between liking a photo and liking a selfie. Selfies are constructed to show off how good you look. It’s the underground tunnel of sex without straight up asking for it. It’s all subconscious. There are also millions of single people likers so don’t worry about boosting someone’s confidence. Worry about boosting your partner’s and making them feel beautiful. However, if your partner is having a meltdown over something on the internet they’re either crazy or you’re hiding something. If you’re having too many fights over websites..get rid of them.

I met a man in a Burger King on a Friday morning in a shady part of the city. He told me that he and his baby mama don’t have Facebook. That it caused too much trouble. It’s something they could do without and didn’t need. So they did. You have to keep it real because at the end of the day it’s not real. Yeah, like I said it reflects your personality but as Arcade Fire sang “it’s just a reflektor.” If you don’t want to fully commit to deletion and human completion just ween yourself off of it and just window shop. You can look but you can’t touch. Looking at profiles but not liking them or posting about them. Some of the most successful relationships I have observed were people who didn’t didn’t use Facebook or social networking that much. Maybe one of the two did relating back to my personality parallel, but most aren’t avid users. They’re out in the world focusing on their relationships rather than posting memes and sharing political propaganda (unless that’s your calling). I applaud them for that. I noticed that when I was in a relationship, naturally my internet habits changed. Maybe nature plays a role in the unnatural internet.

While internet interactions don’t stimulate certain nerves that are only stimulated with human interaction, it can be a great tool if used probably. Which of course it’s not. I always recite the same internet rules that I never abide by but probably should.

  • Less is more
  • No one really cares
  • Don’t talk about people over the internet. Real life people. Don’t be that person.
  • Don’t be show boat-y and show off your new boat or car or brag
  • If someone does care about what you post they’re a loser or a potential lover
  • Don’t do something that would upset your partner. In fact, if you have a partner on social media only handle 1-2 accounts ONLY.
  • If you really want to know if your partner is talking to someone else, the evidence is there and you 100% rights to use it. Just remember after you become that person you will remain that person
  • The internet does not dictate who you are or who others are. It dictates who you should be
  • It’s okay not to be in constant contact with your friends because of social media
  • It’s okay to not upload 50 photos every weekend. Even the blurry ones
  • Unplug yourself completely every once in awhile
  • Avoid putting things on the internet you would not feel comfortable explaining to your future kids, employer, or parent (such as you in ridiculous outfits. I’m talking to you ravers)

Things: Winter Edition

So the weather outside is frightful, and most don’t find it delightful, I certainly do. In my head, this early winter weather that already beats last Christmas even though it’s not December is because everyone continuously made fun of white girl’s fall fun and white girls have white rich and powerful fathers that took our weather away. Fight the power. Okay, so that’s a little crazy, but this weather gets me a little happy for winter.

While most are stuck inside, I try to come up with an array of nifty activities and adventures both indoors and outdoors so you aren’t stuck snoozing on the life game.

  • Build a fort in the living room. Who doesn’t want to build a fort when it’s below 69 degrees out? They’re also super cozy to snuggle in and snuggling is one of my favorite things to do besides smiling and watching people get butchered in my favorite holiday classics such as Satan’s Little Helper.
  • Make s’mores and cookies. I want it all, in my face.
  • Play cards. Spoons, Bullshit, drinking games, strip poker. Make a night of it.
  • Christmas Drinking Game: drink every time someone says the word Christmas, shot for an obnoxious Christmas sweater, drink every time an accident happens with the Christmas, drink every ti— SANTA!!! OH MY GOD I KNOW HIM(Elf reference)
  • Go ice skating, and if you’re anything like me, you royally suck at it.
  • Look at pretty window displays, especially if you live in the city.
  • Drink hot chocolate and take a walk.
  • Snowball fight.
  • Listen to Christmas music and laugh at the outdated lyrics.
  • Try to make your own Christmas song.
  • Go to the movies.
  • Ugly sweater thrift shopping
  • Barnes and Noble read magazines and random shit time
  • Mad Libs. That is still the most entertaining thing ever.
  • Volunteer. Go to a soup kitchen, food pantry, women’s shelter, or animal shelter. Make it rain on those in pain.
  • Knit. I don’t know how to knit. Seems pretty simple enough.
  • Board game night. I once flipped over the monopoly board because nobody would trade with me. In my defense, I was 5.
  • Binge watch your favorite TV show.
  • Make Christmas stockings.
  • White elephant. Everyone brings a gag gift and exchanges it. Go home with a singing toothbrush or a singing dildo.
  • Snuggle
  • Cuddle
  • Get Cozy

The last three may be similar to each other, but I don’t care. I’m guilty of third degree snuggling under the influence.

SCREAM

I’m a horror movie fan, something about morbid scenes of gushing blood or mind-numbing horror is just my thang. Horror has been equated to porn in the sense that it arouses our curiosity. Not to say I have nightly visions of slicing and dicing, but it’s in our human nature to be drawn to something unknown and fucking terrifying. The whole month of October gives me an excuse to fall asleep to the screams of horny teenagers and frightened children on the television screen.

To me, it’s just good entertainment. If something remotely terrifying happened to reek havoc in real life, I’d be disgusted. Horror movies just provide an outlet of aggressive. In fact, most people in the horror movie biz are relatively peaceful and calm beings just like myself. Maybe that’s the secret formula: watch horror movies, cheer for the bad guy, leave feeling serene and happy that you don’t have to deal with an evil spirit, murderer, or something in between.

Without further explanation (since I obviously ramble, obviously), my favorite horror movies for scare-season.

  • The Faculty. Combining the late 90s, a Lord of the Rings champ, and a young Josh Hartnett we’re taken to a sci-fi thriller that’s prove that your math teacher was actually from another planet. These other-worldly creatures are so stiff, it’s actually scary.
  • Carrie. WHAT A CLASSIC. Stephen King proves that horror is his game. Be careful on who you tease because she will destroy you. Check out the remake that improves on this 70s horror-tale. Both can be appreciated.
  • The Grudge. For whatever reason this movie made me avoid mirrors for a week.. Or maybe it was just because I had poor hygiene back then. Anyways, this Japanese tale of a curse and creepy Japanese people has always given me the creeps. The second one scared me, the third one (which went straight to DVD) scared me, and you know what I’m never entering any house again and looking up the history to every apartment I ever rent.
  • The ABCs of Death. After talking with a friend, I firmly believe that short horror stories will be the new wave of horror movies: that way they don’t pull an Insidious and get lost in a random fantasy realm that made me not scared anymore. Anyways, The ABCs of Death bring together the masters of horror dedicating one shrieking tale of evil, blood, sex, and any unholy markings to each letter of the alphabet. What’s great is that wicked tales are bought to you from all over the world so you can have a cornucopia of heinous horror styling.
  • Poltergeist. They’re here, and this is what we get from taking their land. An 80s movie to my heart, making it skip a beat will always be one of my favorites. Anything that messes with children is automatically scary. It goes there. It proves that clowns are really evil and harbor malice intent. FUCK GHOSTS MAN.
  • Scream. Ah, Wes Craven (the horror maven). Scream ties together the fact that horror can be funny. The killers find a great sweet release in what they do, and that’s awesome to observe. We can mock the victim’s poor decisions. This is the greatest horror of all: horror for revenge, horror because you want to kill.
  • IT. A clown that goes after FUCKING CHILDREN. My only logical explanation as to why clowns exist is that God got high and created something that sounds pretty cool in heaven, but totally does not work here on earth.
  • The Conjuring. Probably one of the best recent films in mainstream horror. It takes from a laughing standpoint because sometimes I was like “why what the fuck are you doing?”  but the horror scenes were frightening. You didn’t just get a jump scene, you got a jump scene that escalated and got intense with every frame. Holy Guacamole-ly!
  • The Human Centipede. Purely for the ick-factor. It makes you squirm. The second one had to be shot in black and white with the amount of shit, blood, and vomit there was. Not to mention the fact that one woman STEPPED ON HER NEW BORN BABY. Look out for the final installment.
  • 28 Days Later. Proving that once again the Brits do zombies better, 28 Days Later awakens on a scary concept: not knowing what happened and now having to survive. It also showed us that humans are also our worse enemy.  Who would you rather trust?
  • Every Simpson’s Treehouse of Horror. EVERY SINGLE ONE. It combines the best of pop culture horror styles, yet makes them hilarious. As horror should be enjoyed.

Enjoy your Halloween and embrace the horror!

Read last year’s declaration of horror love here: http://wp.me/p2EZgj-5s

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Wrecking Ball

Miley Cyrus

Okay, so I’m guilty of indulging in some Hannah Montana growing up but that show wasn’t overly terrible. Innocent TV can still be good. America has watched Miley Cyrus grow up from posing in a bed sheet at 16 to grinding on a pole at 18 (I think that’s how old she was?). Normally I don’t believe in gateway activity as in something kinda bad turns into something fully shit-terrible, but it’s cool to see how snip-its of Miley’s behavior churned out what is now her; the VMAs scandal, and a new music video.

So I was never really a huge fan of hers to begin with after her Miley Stewart era ended, but I have a mutual understanding. I think she’s out of touch with reality. Some celebrities are never told the word “no.” She rehearsed for this performance and I doubt she pulled sexual moves last minute, they probably told her she looked great instead of the truth. I understand that it’s entertainment and she’s doing what she’s being paid to do, but it doesn’t excuse that it was a sheer shit show. I don’t even like seeing girls stick their tongues out on my Instagram let alone during my down time.

Did people over-analyze Miley’s performance? Yeah, but it was very distasteful, they’ll always be things that are sexy, and things that are just gross. In her defense, it was great publicity. Her performance was virtually pop culture gold and will always be remembered engraving her in pop culture history. She was able to exploit black culture as well as women in just 7 minutes and got everyone talking about it. She did her job.

What I think I might hate more than people beating a dead horse, are people bringing in stuff that’s totally irrelevant. Like Syria. While yes it’s very important, foreign affairs and pop culture are two completely different things. Syria has been in a civil war for years and it did not start the weekend of the VMAs. Children have not been in school for years, and there was a drought back in June that graced the cover page of the New York Times (I know, I read all about it a few months back). People started talking about Syria because it was a trending topic on Twitter and our president started getting more actively involved. While it is important to stay up to date on current events using things like Syria to shame those who talk about Miley Cyrus is just downright despicable. I’m pretty sure the thousands suffering aren’t suffering just so you can sound like an asshole. I’ll do you one better, if you’re not actively engaged in helping people in Syria (which you can be writing letters to your Congressmen, donation, protesting, programs in your college, volunteering) you’re just as useful as the people who’d rather talk about pop culture. Which isn’t useful at all. You can’t attack someone for doing their job. You can’t go in subway and tell a sandwich artist and the people eating a sandwich that they’re stupid/wrong because something is happening and you have no plan of action in improving the world’s other sandwiches.

Then you get people who say “I wish I could help.” Well, you’re not trying hard enough. When you have a passion you’ll find a way. Instead of taking the time to show off how smart you are, you might want to put the words in the right place. If people cared about helping out as much as they do about social media this world would be a vastly different place.

Finally, to talk about Wrecking Ball. Okay, so Miley is straddling a wrecking ball and doing suggestive things with a sledge hammer. First off, there has been a lot of popstars who have been naked in music videos such as Lady Gaga, Rhianna, Katy Perry, Brittany Spears, and the list goes on. Nudity isn’t a surprise anymore. Personally, I think the video would’ve been better if she wasn’t licking and nibbling at shit every 5 seconds. As having a phobia of germs seeing a metal sledge hammer in a mouth made me cringe and distracted me from the whole point of the video. The song itself is also very well made. The whole point of the video was to show how vulnerable we feel when we’re hurt and how that can be self destructive. She was using nudity in it’s simplest artist form.

Maybe if she skipped the whole VMAs ordeal people might not have thrown a bitch fit. At the end of the day Miley Cyrus was kind of a genius. She separated herself from all the other female singers and bought a culture that was always around to the mainstream. She cornered a market and now we’re all feeding into her. Good job Miley.

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Prison, Bitch.

Orange Is The New Black

This made-for-Netflix show didn’t appeal to me at first, but boy is it fucking spectacular. Orange is the new black is about a now straight waspy white woman going to jail after her vagina-eating ex-girlfriend rats her out about all their days of being drug cartels. Sexy. Watching a clueless woman crawl around street-smart women who committed low-scale crimes is honestly hilarious. This show has a huge cast of powerful women who fill many roles and characters showing that prison women are really not to be fucked with.

On our first day we find our lead being her brainless self missing the isles of Whole Foods as she insults the cooking. Angering the head of the kitchen, Red a fierce Russian woman and fellow inmate, serves her a breakfast sandwich with a kitchen delicacy of tampon medium raw. The balls of these characters sag as far to the ground as their prison sentences making it enjoyable to watch.

Another thing I love is the lesbian sex. I can’t lie. I’d be gay for the stay too, if not just plain gay now. What good is a women’s prison without women constantly fucking each other? Also the fact that I wanted to see Donna (Laura Prepon) from That’s 70s Show boobs since I was13 and yes Kelso was right they are glorious. Not to mention seeing Jason Biggs revert back to his American Pie days working on the relationship with his hand. Can’t this poor guy catch a fucking break?

On those hot summer days it’s nice to get naked with the air conditioner and just have some fucking peace with the TV.

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Double Trouble

Angelina Jolie

A surgery heard or rather read around the world circulating behind Angelina Jolie’s latest double mastectomy. For those of you that don’t know, my web M.D definition states that it’s a surgery removing all the tissue from the pectoral area, or in latent terms, she removed her boobs. Why did she do this? Because she had a whopping 87% chance of developing breast cancer, and her kids simply care that she’s around long enough. Talk about a labor of love!

What most people don’t understand is that choosing to remove your breast is not an easy decision. Breasts help define a woman. The first thing that marks us, why men (or women) embark us, and is a big part of our body image. We live in a society that thrives on image and physical appearance. American culture might be the only culture where patrons willingly give themselves cancer to have sun kissed skin, or put the metal alloys in makeup that will rapidly decay it, take medication to shed pounds, smoke cigarettes to curb appetite. America is sick with image. So that’s why I applaud Angelina Jolie for making her choice, when her career path is basically built on it. If I were Brad Pitt I’d fall in love with her too.

She is a great example for women, and while yes she had the money for the surgery she took advantage of that. Better yet, she’s aware that not all women have the resources. She’s continuously trying to better humanity though her experiences which is the pinnacle of humanitarianism. She’s speaking on behalf of women in America who walk every year for a cure, because prevention should be covered in healthcare rather than treatment.

Angelina Jolie, I have been a long time fan and you are an enigma. A force to be reckoned with. Thank you for your courage, it makes you a better human being.

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She take my money….

kim-kardashian-pregnant-kanye-west--An open letter to Kim Kardashian

Dear Kimbo,

Can I call you Kimbo? Don’t care, doing it anyways.  In recent months you have exploded  into gargantuan proportions.  Hear me out. It’s not your fault your already bodacious bod could not handle pregnancy. It’s not your stylist’s fault that you looked practically like a sofa out from some elderly woman’s house. It’s not Kanye’s fault that the kid probably has a skull the size of a watermelon. I’m playing the devil’s advocate here, and saying way to go. I can’t be hard on you for biological reasons. I’m not going to cast stones, because regardless of what you wear, the men will stare. You’ll look like a human teepee in anything.  I know I’m not a fan of your fame whore ways, but I’m trying to appease the pregnancy gods because I know one day in the future when I have angry white babies, I’ll blow up like an agitated puffer fish. It won’t be pretty. On the bright side, you still have the ever so ravishing facial beauty that gobbled up Jessica Simpson’s face when she was pregnant, or if she’s still pregnant? I don’t know, I’m not a human clock here but Jessica Simpson has been pregnant for 3 years now. Maybe to take the pressure off of you maybe you could start your own fashion maternity line for realistic pregnancy cases like yourself. This pregnancy has humanized you to me, you’re not the girl with the sub-par sex tape and unenthusiastic voice. You’re Kim Kardashian, regular woman with a normal case of preggers. Be the business heiress I know you can be and get your fat ass on that market like I know you can. You may not be the smartest woman to face Hollywood, but you are one hell of a business woman and this economy is your oyster. Your fans will literally buy anything you sell. Not me, of course. I’m not pregnant and not planning on it for a long time nor do I like you, but you have options! Use them to your advantage!

Sincerely,

Me

P.S Just admit your marriage to Kris Humphries was a scam already. We all know. : – )

“It takes two t…

“It takes two to make an accident.”
– F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby, Ch. 3

Considering that our education system is probably more broken than the country itself, I don’t know if anyone else had the pleasure to read The Great Gatsby. My high school spent months making us examine every aspect of the book, totally emerging us into the 1920s world of opulent parties held in houses grander than anything us mere middle class can only hope to tour. My teacher at the time even showed us the original movie that beheld the flapper dresses, the masculine haircuts woman dawned, the tailored suits, and the elegance of a world that ceases to exist.

So yes, I’m really excited for remake of the Great Gatsby. There might be some problems such as 1930s music, or the changes of the storyline, but I don’t care. Leonardo DiCarpio is fabulously, Carey Mulligan is fabulous, and even though I hate Mrytle Wilson, Isla Fisher is playing her and Isla Fischer is FUCKING FABULOUS. Not to mention the cinematography will be eye-catching, and sometimes you have to take a movie for what it is. In this case, this movie was meant to be marveled at, it was meant to take us to a places and let us escapes our problems for it’s running time. It’s serving the purpose that theater is suppose to serve. That’s why I’m seeing it, and I hope all of you do too.

Also Jay Gatsby has a twitter now, so if you’re as addicted to twitter as I am, you’ll be in for some laughs and a modernized look into The Great Gatsby

https://twitter.com/GreatJayGatz

The Things I Never Said.

Being in college I’ve met an array of people. Girls, guys, and some where I simply don’t know their gender. Hey, I’m just being honest. With that of course, I’ve had more struggles than snuggles with guys this year. While some left a big gaping hole in my heart, the others left me raging with balls of fury. Oh and I mean testicles, like I got so angry I grew a pair. There are a number of things I want to say to some people, but probably never will. Not because I’m afraid, but because I don’t want to cause problems. If they read this, they know they’re guilty of what I’m saying to a certain extent, and I’m just saying I how I feel about it. You’re only as guilty as you think you are.

Person number 1,

You texted me drunk, and honestly that scared me off. I thought we were friends! Okay, I know I shouldn’t have let you paid for certain things we did, but I’m pretty sure I also made it clear I wasn’t looking for anything at the time. If I had sent you smiley faces, and thrown myself at you it would have been different. Also it didn’t help that you tweeted things like “I want a refund bitch.” I could at least have admitted that I teased you, but I didn’t even do that. You texted me and apologized, but at that point you unfollowed me on twitter. Damn, you knew how to hurt me. Sorry, I can’t forgive and forget an unfollowing on twitter.

Person 2,

We made out on a couple of occasions and casually dated, but I could tell you lacked major experience, which was okay. Then you got into all this shit about some girl you dated and how she left you and how she acted like she still liked you and blah blah blah blah. You also kept apologizing for it, which would’ve been okay if you didn’t keep talking about your ex. I couldn’t figure out if this relationship was early enough to forgive and forget, or doomed from the start. I chose doomed from the start. We’re kinda talking still, but honestly I’m just not feeling it. You came after me, but it’s too late. Sorry.

Person 3,

You broke up with your girlfriend of a billion years and I texted you RIGHT after you did it. Not the best decision, I know. You told me I got a lot cooler, and matured since the last time we talked, and you clearly hinted at some major attraction. However, you need to get your life together. I’m not saying that you don’t deserve me, what I’m saying is your nazi ex put you on the wrong path and working without a degree or a clue isn’t the smart choice. Ditching her was though.

Person 4,

Don’t text me pictures of your penis. They make me feel awkward.

Person 5,

You got absorbed into your roommate. We talked about a lot of deep shit and could have made a great pair of vagina buddies, but I realized you’re just a pseudo intellectual with a spectacular set of tits.

Person 7,

Stop telling people we made out at that one party. You got drunk and puked and I laid on a table for 20 minutes. Nothing happened. Not even remotely.

Person 8,

I hate you. You annoy me. Your nose ring annoys me. Your high pitched voice annoys me. I rejected your friend request FOR A REASON.

Person 9,

You’re a shitty person and I see through all your calculated bullshit lies.

Person 10,

Take a shower like a normal person. I don’t care if this is college and you want to maximize drinking time. No amount of shots will make you smell decent to me.

Person 11,

You told someone how I wasn’t funny, but I was having a terrible weekend and I don’t live to make you laugh. You look like shark with teeth anyways, and you make me laugh. So thank you.